Do Not Take Seriously
by ScubaKanga
Summary: Doctor Who meets Harry Potter. Much chaos ensues. I'm talking dancing Daleks and deflating Voldemorts. VERY cracky. Read in good humour.
1. Chapter 1

Harry sat against the tree in the Hogwarts grounds. The Transfiguration homework he was meant to be doing lay forgotten some three metres away – it was for next term anyway. It was cold and the sunlight was dimming with the day as evening drew closer. The sunset silhouetted Hogwarts school until it was a black shadow looming up ominously.

Harry was bored. Everyone except Ron, Hermione and some lonely first-years had packed their bags and left for the Christmas holidays. Oh, apart from Malfoy unfortunately, Harry's enemy.

At the moment Ron and Hermione were up in Gryffindor common room playing chess, but Harry had not been in the mood to stay and listen to Ron's long-winded speeches of victory, however warm the fire may have been. So after wandering around like a ghost for some time, he had eventually ended up outside in the cold not doing his homework.

Oh, he was bored. If only _something, anything _could happen.

A blue police box chose that moment to appear out of thin air.

XXX

The Doctor kicked the wall of the Tardis in frustration. Nothing was going right today. First Martha had left, and now his time machine was playing up. It would, wouldn't it. He had absolutely no idea where she had stopped.

After some deliberation and scanning the area with machines from inside for aliens or any danger –The Doctor refused to admit to himself that he was disappointed when he found none – he decided to open the door. It seemed reasonable and was really the only thing he could do. So he did.

'But,' he told the Tardis angrily, 'it's your own fault if it turns out we're at the bottom of an ocean, sinking like stones. And I daresay if we are you would just have to choose somewhere like the Belgetrax Ocean, Port 1.89, with your twisted sense of humour.'

He then stopped himself as he realised he was starting to make not a whole lot of sense, and got back to the long-winded task of opening that god-forsaken door.

Luckily, they weren't at the bottom of the Pacific or Belgetrax, but in some pretty (wait, he was manly, he didn't say pretty… oh, never mind) grounds of a huge castle. The Doctor looked at it suspiciously. He had heard that Arkabar Sea manifested itself in strange forms, and he was growing rather attached to the idea of an ocean.

Looking around for any sign of life, he saw a human boy about fourteen some way away with an expression of exceptional surprise and bewilderment. Ah good. He could ascertain his location – somewhere on Earth.

The Doctor made his way over to the teenage boy cheerfully. The boy stared at him.

'Who are you?' asked the Doctor, hoping this would give him some clue as to where he was, other than what planet, which if he was honest, was rather vague.

'Who are _you?' _The boy replied. He had black hair and a scar on his forehead. An average boy, it seemed. 'I'm… well, I'm Harry Potter.' Abruptly he looked at the Doctor with a sort of resigned expectation, though the Time Lord wasn't sure why.

'Well, Hello I'mwellI'mHarryPotter. I'm the Doctor.'

Harry looked at him with a new air of surprise and renewed suspicion.

'Doctor who?'

-_Guys, I wrote this when I was in Yr 5, so it will be short and crazy. I thoroughly understand if you people don't like it. Warning: This will get MUCH crackier in the later chapters. Think dancing Daleks. Oh yes. Proceed with extreme caution, my dear bemused readers. *cue evil laughter* _


	2. Chapter 2

Harry stared at the Doctor, trying to fathom, well… anything about him. Was he a Death Eater in disguise? This thought struck him (as opposed to the others, which had more sung to him gently) and he pulled out his wand from his back pocket, where he still insisted on keeping it, despite Moody pretty much having a fit about it.

'Why are you pointing a stick at me?' said the Doctor, in the sort of voice one might adopt with the very sick and elderly. Harry looked at his stick… wand… and thought something along the lines of 'SAY WHAT?' Even thought that was a grammatically incorrect thought, he thought it anyway.

'It's my wand,' answered Harry, surveying the Doctor for a glint of a joke in his eyes. There was none. He genuinely didn't know about wands. They stood there for a second, each thinking the other was perhaps slightly insane.

'Wands?' ejaculated the Doctor, brandishing a silver metallic-looking stick thing from his coat pocket dramatically, as though it were a Samurai sword.

'Err… yeah. Look, you've got one too.'

'What? No, this is my sonic screwdriver.'

'Sonic _what?'_

'Screwdriver.'

'Oh… you're not a Muggle, are you?' Harry asked.

'No… at least I don't think so. What is it? Sounds nasty. Wouldn't want to catch it.'

"_What?" _thought their thoughts.

'Are you a… a Squib or something then?' Harry asked desperately. What was The Doctor?

'No. What year is it?'

_What year was it? _Man, this guy was ignorant. 'Ermm… 1994. Didn't you know? Where have you been?'

'Oh, you know. Here and there.' The Doctor replied vaguely. Harry sighed. This wasn't easy.

'Ok then… where were you before you touched that Portkey thing?' He gestured towards the police box. The Doctor looked confused and a touch protective.

'This is my Tardis,' he said, 'Stands for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. She's a time machine. I'm a Time Lord. From Gallifrey,' he added, as if this would enlighten Harry. The enlightenment attempt failed spectacularly.

'_Time Lord?' _cried Harry. He gazed at the Doctor.

'Well, everything's got to be something, what are you?' said the Doctor.

'I-I'm a wizard,' stammered Harry.

'_Wizard?' _exploded the Doctor, 'Wizard, wizard, _wizard?'_

'Yeah.'

The Time Lord dashed into the 'Tardis' and started pressing random buttons at around a hundred miles an hour. On second thoughts, a hundred and three point two five. But anyway. Technicalities.

After a while he stuck his head around the door again. 'Sorry, did you say wizard?'

'I did.' Harry followed the older man who had unstuck his head from around the door and peered into the police box cum time machine. It was a lot bigger on the inside. Huh.

The Doctor kept pressing buttons, twisting dials, pulling levers – how did he remember it? Eventually, after glancing at a screen held up dangerously by a few wires, he exclaimed 'No, no, no! Wizards died out in 1703.'

'No they didn't,' said Harry, 'This is Hogwarts. Wizard school.'

'So _why _have I been brought here? My vehicle has a habit of bringing me where there's trouble.'

'Your vehicle?'

'She gets me to places.'

'I've yet to find a car that takes me to a different planet a century ago.'

'That is why this is a police box, not a car. Anyway, you're not… at war with anyone?'

'Err… no. Well – '

But The Doctor wasn't listening any more. He had punched the air and was fondling the Tardis.

'Well,' Harry repeated, louder, 'we do have an enemy.'

'Yes, well, don't we all…. WHAT?'

'Yeah, there's Voldemort and his Death Eaters.'

'Really?' queried the Doctor, 'What species are they?'

This was going to be a long conversation.

-_Crackiness will come, my readers. If there are any. Perhaps you've all lost patience and have left or been abducted by aliens. Just keep that image in your mind: dancing Daleks, dancing Daleks. Ron and Hermione will enter the scene too._


	3. Chapter 3

After an hour-long conversation both Harry and The Doctor knew the basics about each other. Harry had explained about the nuisance that was Voldemort and introduced him to Ron and Hermione, and in turn The Doctor had told them about Daleks, Slyveen, Cybermen and other such teachers…err… aliens.

They all sat there for a second. Then, Ron, who was eager to boast again, no matter how, said 'Do you want a game of wizard chess?' carefully.

'Oh…. Ok…' the Doctor answered, equally carefully.

Wizard chess. He hadn't the faintest idea how to play it, but then again he didn't normally have much time for chess. Usually he would be fighting some alien around this time, or be thinking up some ingenious escape plan, generally involving some witty lines, a brave sacrifice, and the Doctor going " no, take me instead" and it never happening.

Quite a nice change really.

'Knight to E5,' said the Doctor, reaching out to move his piece, but the little black figure had beat him to it and was moving himself.

'Amazing!' he cried, then furrowed his brow, 'I mean, it's magneto-, obviously. Maybe they're filled with magnetite – yes, that would cause magnoelectricity… oh no, it would make a magnetmotive as well. Aha! Magnetic tape! Yes! Incredible!'

Ron, Hermione and Harry stared at him in perplexity.

He felt a little hot. As usual, he had gone into that scientific barble that no-one else ever understood. These people were schoolchildren. Of course they didn't care how wizard chess was made.

Bashfully, he cleared his throat. 'Well, um… Ron, your turn.'

XXX

'Well done, Rookwood, you have served me well.' The terrifying, horrifying, and generally pretty freaky deathly pale figure of the man known as Lord Voldemort let the green sand fall through his hand like a sieve.

'My Lord,' said Rookwood, kneeling down, head bowed. His shadow loomed above the two men in the dimly lit room.

'Now – The Disillusionment Charm! Quickly!' Rookwood almost fell flat on his face in his hurry to get up. He noticed that the floorboards were very firmly set in for such an old house. He'd have to ask his Lord where he got his floors boarded.

Nervously, he tapped the Dark Lord's head, increasing its impression of a boiled egg. Instantly Voldemort merged into his surroundings.

All was quiet for a few moments – then the pot of green sand (Floo Powder) started supposedly floating in mid-air. Some removed itself from the pot and drifted nonchalantly over to the fireplace.

With a cry of 'Hogwarts Gryffindor Common Room, North Tower, near the Transfiguration corridor!' and a burst of green flames, all was silent once more.

XXX

'…And I win!' said Ron triumphantly, as the Doctor's last piece was destroyed.

The Doctor grinned annoyed, and opened his mouth to say something, but before he could start, Hermione shrieked, something like a Capucci Monkey from South America upon spotting a herd of pink elephants fox-trotting towards it, 'Look at the fire!'

-_Crackiness begins next chapter, my pitifully few readers. Now, reviews are like virtual cookies… Even if it's just to say 'This story has made the English language not fit to use any more from the way it has been brutally defiled'. Every little helps. _


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor, Harry and Ron all twisted in their seats to observe the fireplace. The red and gold flames twinkled merrily back at them.

Harry raised an eyebrow at Hermione. 'There's nothing wrong with the fire!'

Hermione insisted that there was. 'It went all green – like – like someone just flooed in it.'

'Flooed?' The Doctor looked bewildered.

'Travelling by fire,' Ron explained quickly, 'Anyway, Hermione, if someone had just waltzed in or out of that fire we'd have noticed.'

A cushion fell off a chair near the window. It was a nicely embroidered red and yellow silk cushion. Not looking convinced, Hermione stood up to replace it in the seat. She glanced out of the window holding the silk cushion, then did a double take.

'What is it?' said Harry.

'Oh, it's just – it's snowing!'

They all clambered over to the window eagerly for a look. Snow was wandering to the ground in a curving and juddering path.

The Doctor gazed outside. There was something wrong, he knew it. Oak trees, boys toilets, all normal. Normal as the fact that Arginsargatron's sky was a curious shade of zipingraw. Then he knew –

'My Tardis!' he shouted, causing the other three to jump an undetermined height in the air.

'What?'

'The Tardis! I parked it there! It's gone! Where is it?'

'You parked your Tardis next to some toilets?' Ron asked curiously. Harry and Hermione each stamped on one of his feet simultaneously. Ron yelped.

The Doctor was hardly listening. He paced up and down the room, thinking furiously. He had a theory as to where his old time machine had gone. He just hoped he was wrong.

'Let's… go out and search for it,' The Time Lord finally said.

The others agreed, and hastily made their way down the stairs and outside. Harry noticed that The Doctor seemed to glance over his shoulder a lot. He did not blame him. He himself had the strange feeling they were being followed. However, last time he had thought this he had been spectacularly wrong.

Pulling open the huge wooden doors with intricate patterns of flowers carved into the wood, they stepped out into the increasingly snowy grounds.

'Oh.'

The four of them realised at the same time that none of them had jackets on. Even the doctor had undonned (is that a word?) his big swishy dramatic coat in the Common room. Harry shivered as a breeze swept past them and Hermione dug her hands into her pockets.

For a moment they all looked at each other blankly, then they sprang into action and charged to the spot they had seen when looking out of the window.

Staring numbly at the flattened imprint on the ground , the four of them all waited for one of the other three to have a brainwave. It didn't happen.

'Me and Ron will go and search for it… over there,' said Hermione firmly.

'Will we?' said Ron.

'Yes, we _will_,' muttered Hermione, pinching him hard. She grabbed his arm and pulled him over behind the trees nearby.

'Um,' said Harry. A torrent of insults could be heard streaming from the trees like a river of words. Harry gathered that Ron had just walked into an aforementioned tree. The cries faded away as the pair walked further away.

Pop.

Vroom…vroom….vroom….

Bang! The door opens.

He disillusions.

Confusion.

'Duck!'

'Avada Kedavra!'

'EXTERMINATE!'

'Oh please.'

'Oh, great.'

_So many alerts and favoriting of this story yet no reviews…_

_Crackiness begins once and for all next chapter, mwahhahaha. _


	5. Chapter 5

'Are those - ?' Harry stared at the robot creatures in front of him.

'Daleks? Yeah,' the Doctor muttered, 'Is this - ?'

'Voldemort? That's right.'

The Doctor grimaced. This was going to be difficult. They were both facing the other's enemy, and there wasn't time to change. Reluctantly, he looked at Voldemort and was instantly reminded of a skull. Bad hair day, it seemed.

'We'd better get up and fight then.' Hurriedly, they had fallen onto the ground to avoid the curses and exterminations flying over them. Unenthusiastically they got up to survey their opponent and see what could be done.

Harry dodged the little jets of blue light emitting from the Dalek. Or more like Daleks, he thought, trying to swallow the panic which enveloped him as two more of the monsters emerged from the newly reappeared Tardis. Apparently, the Daleks had kidnapped the Tardis to get here. If that made any sense at all.

The Doctor had warned him, Ron and Hermione that trouble followed him everywhere, almost like a stalker. He'd tried having words, but to no effect. Harry had assured him that on that count, they were very similar.

Damn.

Oh dear.

Oh dear oh dear.

Oh dear oh dear oh – _ouch!_

Harry spat out a mouthful of mud whilst making a hasty dive to the left. Damn Daleks. Deadlier than they looked. Well, that was true. The monsters gave the wizard a vague impression of a group of dustbins. Except for the fact that, as far as he knew, no wastepaper baskets to his knowledge were hell bent on bringing about his downfall. Deadly Dalek Dustbins.

Oh, here we go again. 'Protego!' Harry wondered what was for lunch.

XX

Lord Voldemort. Of all the stupid names, The Doctor thought, he had to go for Voldemort. More like Mouldyshorts. He grinned.

This only seemed to infuriate Mou –er – Voldemort even more.

Ducking a series of curse sent with some words The Time Lord hoped to never hear again, he felt in his pocket for his old sonic screwdriver.

Just as Volde – Oh, it's too much of a mouthful, let's just call him Voldy! Start again! Just as _Voldy _lifted his wand for another spell and started forming the word 'Tar – ', The Doctor buzzed (for there is no other word for the noise the screwdriver makes) his sonic screwdriver and aimed it at Voldy.

Time momentarily seemed to stop, as if they were in a movie and someone had pressed pause. Even the Daleks momentarily lost interest in Harry as they all waited for something dramatic to happen.

The waiting dragged on. Nothing happened.

The Daleks resumed exterminating Harry, Voldy tried to look intimidating, and The Doctor was forced to duck. Again.

'If I end up on the ground one more time!'

_-Huh. I'm back, my deplorably few readers, and getting increasingly irritated with my lack of imaginative story in Yr 5. Right, this, according to Word Count, is the shortest chapter yet. Meh. _


	6. Chapter 6

The Daleks seemed to be getting bored. Slowly, the rate of their exterminations went down and down, and, if Harry was right, their eyepieces drooped slightly.

'Hey Doctor,' Harry yelled, with his usual subtle grace, 'the Daleks seem to be getting bored.'

The Doctor thought Harry had gone mad.

'Harry, you've gone mad!' he yelled back, 'Daleks have no emotions – and how on Trafagalolis could you know that?' Then he added, as an afterthought, 'Hang on, why are they firing at you anyway? It's me they want to destroy and all that.'

'Number one,' began Harry, putting up a shield so he could talk to the Doctor for a while (which begged the question of why he hadn't done that before), 'The Daleks have lost their sense of aim altogether and seem to be trying to shoot in the direction of you and Voldie.'

The Doctor forgot about Voldemort. Voldie spluttered at his new nickname.

'You know, funny thing that, Voldie seems to be doing the same to you.' Voldie sighed, then began doing what he should and did exactly that. If that sentence makes sense.

The wizard and the Time Lord stood together in gentle conversation, as if they were commenting on the butter prices at Sainsbury's, because the weather just wasn't interesting enough.

'Ah. They seem to have realised they're attacking the wrong person.'

'Quite so.'

There was a moment of peaceful silence, apart from the tweeting birds, and the villains yelling various nonsense words with hate at their hearts… or…. squids….

And then – 'Harry, duck!'

'Where?'

'Duck, I say!'

'I don't like ducks.'

'No, I don't either. Get down!'

'Doctor, duck!'

'What have I just told you about ducks?'

'Just get down!'

'Avada Kedavra!'

'EXTERMINATE!'

'I get the strangest feeling of déjà vu sometimes.'

'Neeeeeeeeeear, faaaaar, whereeeeeeeeever you are…'

-_Right, these two chapters will be short because I'm having to bring this story to a rather abrupt end, so next will be the last. I am one person, I can't keep up 3 stories at once as well as life and all that jazz. Thanks to all the people who've favourited this short and random crossover thing._


	7. Chapter 7

7

'It's quiet. Too quiet.'

'Well, get your head out of that hippogriff poo and find out why!'

Harry despaired of people sometimes, and sometimes included now. He watched the Doctor wipe the dirt off of his face with exasperation.

'Doctor, look!'

'Oh wow! Yes, that's great architecture!'

'No, that way, you twit.'

'Oh.'

'The Daleks and Voldemort have accidentally cursed each other and the reactions… well… you can see for yourself.'

He and the Time Lord got up and observed the Daleks first. They were enthusiastically dancing – The Robot. Upon the duo coming over to them, the aliens began a tuneless mechanical version of 'The Drunken Soldier' (having just finished the Titanic theme tune) and attempted to pull the Doctor into a foxtrot.

He backed away hastily, wondering vaguely how on Gallapapalalalagofod the Daleks had come to know 'The Drunken Sailor.' Or Titanic, for that matter.

Harry laughed at the spectacle, but stopped abruptly as the punch-drunk aliens eyed him expectantly.

XXX

Disentangling themselves from the extremely giddy Daleks, Harry and the Doctor hurried over to see Voldemort, hoping that the situation was perhaps a little less dire with him.

Voldie had dropped his wand and was racing around the area randomly.

'That's odd,' commented The Doctor, 'His head appears to have turned into a balloon.'

At that moment the Dark Lord grabbed Harry's arm and pulled him into a big hug before dropping the startled boy and running into a bush of thorns.

'Oh dear.'

'Never mind.'

'What shall we do with them?' he indicated the Daleks.

'Um…. I don't know, let's just leave them.'

Suddenly voices could be heard wafting from the trees. Hermione and Ron again. It seemed she was berating Ron for tripping over thin air. Again. When they neared she turned to them whilst Ron lingered behind, red-faced.

'Hello Harry, Doctor! So it looks like you found the TARDIS!'

'Could've told us,' Ron muttered.

'Well,' Harry began, 'It was all thanks to the Daleks, really.'

Ron widened his eyes and began to say 'What the –' , but before he could finish, he was dragged into a conga as the aforementioned dustbin-like Daleks announced to the world at large how he could be their daughter now.

The remaining trio started laughing, Hermione with a confused look. Eventually she stopped as she shrieked 'There's a body in the bush!'

Harry and The Doctor carefully avoided each other's gaze.

'That's just Voldemort.'

'His head – '

'It sort of –'

'Happened to –'

'That is to say, it – '

'To say deflate would be – '

'He went out with a bang, let's say.'

The bushy-haired witch stared at the pair of them.

'Can someone _please _tell me what's going on here?'

'Yes, please!' interjected Ron, charging past them as the Daleks stalked him with a rendition of 'We'll Meet Again.'

The two heroes looked at each other.

'Should you tell them or should I?'

THE END

-_Hello, the end at last! A short drabbley story. Didn't update for ages, sorry, I was busy with so many things I couldn't keep all my stories regularly updated. But I got round to it! YAY! Thanks for the reviews and further favouriting/alerting!_


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